I tried to blog about my last day on my last day, but it was too much. I should have saved some of the earlier editions. They all began like this:
I am heartbroken.
Will it ever stop hurting?
This is the very definition of bittersweet.
And so on, and so forth. It's better that I didn't subject you all to that mumbo jumbo. I'm in a better place now, so hopefully I can be clear with my words.
Breaking up is hard to do. Ha, still sappy but that's what this situation is reminding me of (that is, what it would remind me of had I ever actually been in a relationship). It is like when you know it's time to move on, you know that there is somewhere else you should be and yet putting one foot in front of the other and walking away breaks your heart.
I am so happy that the kids will be able to have their mom at home with them every day. I am so happy that my new job is challenging and will actually utilize the skills I spent $80,000 developing in college. I am even happy that from now on the kids will see me less like an imitation mom and more like a super fun babysitter! But it is still hard. I am still sad.
I think there is also a part of me that is terrified to work in an office full-time. I mean, this is what I was avoiding 6 years ago when I graduated. Sitting in a cubicle. Making Excel spreadsheets. Leaving awkward voicemails while the whole office listens in. Basically, I took the movie Office Space to heart and implemented it's message into my life. Don't become part of the machine. Corporate America will kill your soul. Do what you love, not what makes you money. And I still feel that way. The whole desk job thing is frightening to me. But it's also good for me.
I need structure for awhile. I need to be able to provide for myself and invest in something that has a future in it for me. I'm not sure I'll be editing medical textbooks for the rest of my life, but I am learning a ton about the publishing business at the moment and that can only help me, right? And maybe someday, when I write my book, I'll have some connections to help me get it published! Maybe...
Right now I'm feeling a little sad, a little nervous, and a little proud of myself. I haven't decided what to do with this blog yet. Maybe I'll keep it around to post little memories of my time as Annie the Nanny. I will miss that title. Annie the Editorial Assistant does not have the same ring to it :-( But it's got potential.
